What's up internet, it's ya girl Jennifer back at it again with another insomnia-induced post about existential dread. Let's spin the wheel and see what we're going to be talking about today. Lack of fulfillment? Fear of rejection? Crippling anxiety over your inescapable mortality?
Just kidding. I know better than to bare my soul open for strangers on the internet. That's an act of intimacy I reserve for my therapist ;) (jk) (i don't have a therapist) (i should really get one tho)
All jokes aside, for a while now I've been feeling a bit lost.
I think it's a combination of the ever-looming ordeal that is post-graduation along with the downhill spiral that happens after your 21st birthday and you realize that your youth is quickly slipping away from you.
I have no idea what to do with my life. I feel like I've lost my passion and drive. I'm so burned out that I don't even know what I enjoy anymore. That's one of the reasons why I started this blog -- I wanted to have a hobby that I enjoyed and possibly something to pursue career-wise that didn't make me want to gouge my eyes out. And yet, soon after I started this blog I started to doubt myself. Am I even good enough for this? Can I even compete with other people? Do I have what it takes? Did I just waste $150 on a domain I will never use?!?!?!
I feel like I've been so obsessed with having this carefully curated online persona that it stopped me from just doing the damn thing. I let the perfect be the enemy of the good. I started this blog with the conviction that if I was willing to be raw and vulnerable, to share my unabashed takes on politics, and to articulate the heartbreak and sorrow that I've experienced in life, people would notice. I was so busy comparing myself to other people and trying to emulate what they were doing that I lost sight of this conviction. I have to constantly remind myself that I can only succeed by being me, even if the me right now sucks at writing coherent posts and doesn't know what the hell SEO is and how to hack it. I have to remind myself that anyone who is remotely good at what they do probably really sucked at one point!
One of the best advice I've ever heard is to be prolific with what you do. Even when you suck. Even when it feels pointless. I'm trying to apply that mindset to this blog. One of my biggest flaws is that I refuse to do something if I can't be perfect at it. I've been procrastinating on my blog because I've been telling myself that I need a beautiful, cohesive Instagram feed first, or a huge following, or that it's not worth posting anything short of a literary masterpiece. But these were all stupid excuses I made for myself so that I would never start anything. I'm trying to remember that everyone starts somewhere, and that everything is a process. You only ever see the end result in anecdotal success stories, and never where people started before they "made it". I know that I'm probably going to be writing lame posts that nobody wants to read for a long time. I know that the only traffic my blog will get will be the site visits I generate for myself (self-roast). But who knows, maybe a few years from now there will be some weirdos who relate to what I write and think that I'm a pretty ok-ish person. I know that if I continue to be my authentic self, my efforts won't go unnoticed. Here's to being annoying on the internet until people notice!
And even if this blog goes absolutely nowhere and becomes just another web trail of how utterly embarrassing I am, that's ok, too! My thoughts and experiences are important even if they never see the light of day. I don't need my experiences to be known for them to be valid. I need to write and create and express and BE for me and me alone. Everything else will follow from that. If a tree falls and no one is around to hear it, it still makes a sound. (And there goes my first and final attempt at coming up with deep analogies. I'M THE TREE, OKAY!)
Well, that was my unnecessarily long explanation of why I haven't posted anything in a month and a heads-up slash warning that I will be (trying) to post a lot more now (fingers crossed). This is me doing the damn thing. In the words of an ancient Confucian proverb, JUST DO IT.